Dad Jokes My Husband Has Made Me Hear: 100+ For Father's Day

My husband keeps a running list of dad jokes in his phone. Not metaphorically. Actually in his Notes app. He titled the file "Material" and he has been adding to it since our oldest was three.

I know this because I once asked, in a moment of weakness at the dinner table, "where do you GET these," and instead of laughing it off he pulled out his phone, opened a 47-page document, and asked me which subcategory I wanted. Animal jokes. Food puns. The "I'm dad" classic. The ones he calls "tier-one groaners."

Reader, I had no idea what I had married.

This post is a tribute to him and to every dad who has ever paused mid-sentence at a restaurant to ask "did you hear about the Italian chef who died?" while his children sigh in unison. Below: the jokes that actually live in our house, sorted by occasion. Plus the joke books I quietly buy him every Father's Day so he has fresh material and our kids have new ammo for the playground.

The Classic "Hi, Hungry, I'm Dad" Family

These are the foundation. The bedrock. The gateway dad jokes that every father unlocks the moment they hold a baby for the first time.

• Kid: "I'm hungry." Dad: "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."
• Kid: "I'm bored." Dad: "Hi Bored, I'm Dad."
• Kid: "I'm tired." Dad: "Hi Tired, I'm Dad. We met when you were Hungry."
• "Honey, I shrunk the pasta." (proceeds to serve orzo)
• "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
• "I'm reading a book about teleportation. It's bound to take me places."
• "I would tell you a joke about pizza but it's a little cheesy."

My husband says the "Hi Hungry" joke an estimated 14 times per week. He has been doing this for nine years. Our oldest now beats him to the punchline. This is what success looks like in his world.

Animal Jokes (The Highest-Volume Category in His Notes App)

He told me animals were the largest category and I didn't believe him until I scrolled.

• Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. Wait, that's not animals. Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.
• What do you call a fish wearing a crown? Your royal haddock.
• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
• Where do cows go on Friday night? To the moo-vies.
• Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks.
• What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
• What's a frog's favorite drink? Croak-a-cola.
• Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.
• How do you organize a space party? You planet. (he insists this counts as animals because of "planet ANTS." it does not.)
• What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.

Our six-year-old laughed so hard at "labracadabrador" that he hiccupped through his whole bath and I had to sit on the bathroom floor while my husband took a victory lap around the kitchen.

Food Puns (His Strongest Category On Vacation)

Restaurants bring out his best material. Something about the menus. He becomes uncontrollable.

• I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.
• Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumbly.
• Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
• I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
• Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.
• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
• Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
• What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
• I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time. (this isn't food but he insists, because "it's about a meal time." we don't discuss it.)

I went on a girls' weekend last summer and got back to find that he had taught all three kids the buffalo joke. The eight-year-old now ends every phone call with grandparents by saying "Bison" and hanging up. Grandparents do not get it. We have explained it twice. It still doesn't land. They love her anyway.

The "Embarrassing Him On Purpose" Tier (For The Teens)

We have a tween. Tweens are the natural enemy of the dad joke. My husband, sensing this, has weaponized.

• "Dad, can you put the cart back?" "I don't know, can I?"
• "Dad, I'm cold." "Hi Cold, I'm Dad." (yes, he reuses the move. yes, it works in any context.)
• At the cash register: "Do you take credit cards?" "Only for emergencies, like more dad jokes." (this is just for me. the cashier never laughs.)
• Dropping her at school in front of friends: "Have a good day, sweetie. Don't forget I love you. Also you have spinach in your teeth." (she does not have spinach in her teeth. she now hates spinach as a category.)
• Anytime she sighs: "What's the matter, honey? You SI-ghing about something?"

The genius of this tier is that the punchline isn't the joke. It's the slow, deliberate way he delivers it while she pretends not to know him. He once held a straight face through "Hi Mortified, I'm Dad" while she got out of the car at school drop-off. I watched it happen in the rearview mirror. The other parents thought we were having an emergency. We were not.

The "How I Want To Be Remembered" Tier

These are the ones he saves for special occasions. Anniversaries. Father-Daughter dance. The first day of school. Tuesdays.

• "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."
• "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
• "Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts."
• "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
• "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."
• "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
• "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
• "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
• "I'm reading a horror book in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it."
• "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

He told the kidnapping one at a school open house once. The teacher's smile froze. I had to physically guide him away from the snack table.

Father's Day Survival: My Quiet Joke-Book Conspiracy

Every Father's Day, I buy him one new joke book. Just one. I have been doing this for six years. He thinks it's a tradition. He doesn't realize it's a defense mechanism.

The man needs new material or our marriage will not survive another decade of "I'm reading a book on anti-gravity." So every June, into the Amazon cart goes a fresh source.

The ones that have actually held up in our house:

• A general dad jokes book for fresh classics. I rotate the specific title every year. Quality varies, so check the page count and the categories before committing.
• A dad jokes for kids edition when our oldest was around five. This one was actually a gateway book for HER, not him. She memorized half of it in a week and started telling them at preschool drop-off.
• A "worst dad jokes" themed book two years in a row. The "worst" branding is misleading. They are exactly as bad as the regular ones. He cannot tell the difference. This is fine.
• A pun book last year. This was a tactical error. He now identifies as "a pun guy" and our anniversary card was three pages of puns about the year we got married. I love him. I would also like one card with feelings in it.

For the non-book gift moment, I usually slip in a "world's okayest dad jokes" mug. He drinks his coffee out of it every morning. It's a love language now.

If you also want gift ideas that are NOT jokes (because moderation), I rounded those up over at our personalized Father's Day gifts post.

My Husband's Top 10 (Ranked By Family Groan Volume)

These are scored by how loudly the kids groan, not by quality. Quality is irrelevant. Groan volume is everything.

1. "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad." (universal, perennial)
2. "I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
3. The labracadabrador
4. "Bison." (deployed in any departure context)
5. "I would tell you a joke about pizza but it's a little cheesy."
6. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
7. "Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish."
8. "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
9. "Have a good day, sweetie. Also you have spinach in your teeth."
10. ANY joke that ends with "I'm afraid I haven't bean working out." (yes, plural variants exist)

I asked him once which one he was proudest of. He said "the labracadabrador because I came up with it independently." I have since seen "labracadabrador" on at least four greeting cards. I did not tell him. Some hills are not worth dying on.

My Real-Mom Take On The Dad Joke Industrial Complex

People love to roast dads for their jokes. I think dads tell jokes for two reasons that nobody talks about.

One, they are exhausted. Becoming a parent is exhausting. The dad joke is a low-energy way to engage with your kids when you have nothing left. You don't have to chase them around the yard if you can make them roll their eyes at you from across the room. Energy efficiency.

Two, dad jokes are how a lot of dads say "I love you." Not all of them grew up with houses where feelings got named. But they grew up with humor. So when my husband stops what he's doing to come tell our six-year-old "did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded?", he's saying I see you, I'm here, you exist to me, and also de-brie was everywhere. It's a love language.

So yeah, if you're a tired mom rolling her eyes at the 14th iteration of "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad" this week, I see you too. But also: write the jokes down. The phase passes faster than you think. My oldest is starting to tell HER own dad jokes now. Some of them are actually good.

If you want more parenting reads, you might also like our first-trimester survival guide, or, when your kids start preschool, our back-to-school colds prep.

Bottom Line

Dad jokes aren't going anywhere. They're how a lot of dads tell their kids they love them when words feel too big. So if there's a dad in your life who tortures everyone at the dinner table, write his best ones down, buy him a fresh joke book for Father's Day, and tell the kids to start collecting their own. The phase passes. The jokes stay.

And tell my husband I said hi. He will respond with "hi, said hi, I'm dad" and I will pretend to laugh.